Consultant Fee Please!

The Maine GOP has recently uncovered some embarrassing information regarding Maine State Senate candidate Colleen Lachowicz. As a Maine native, I am deeply concerned by the information the GOP has uncovered concerning Mrs. Lachowicz’s gaming habits. However, although I commend the GOP’s investigative unit for uncovering these harrowing truths, I believe their flyer only scratches the surface. My additional research has revealed a great deficiency of hard work, attention to detail, and commitment. Here is just a sampling of what I have discovered:

·    Mrs. Lachowicz’s character Santiaga is outfitted almost entirely in blue gear, only 5 pieces of which are Heroic. It is well known that regular and even Heroic dungeons are extremely easy, and had Mrs. Lachowicz been a team player, she would be helping her guild progress through raids and would have obtained a significant number of epics. Additionally, with the advent of Raid Finder and associated “welfare epics,” purple gear can be obtained even without significant teamwork, provided one is willing to invest a nominal amount of time. Mrs. Lachowicz has failed to do so.

·    Mrs. Lachowicz has flagrantly violated accepted industry standard with regards to proper gemming and enchanting. Notice, most egregiously, that she has no gem in her belt. Belt sockets and additional gems can be obtained from your local Blacksmith and Jewelcrafter for a nominal fee and there is no excuse for this oversight. She has also socketed in several places for subpar socket bonuses, when it has been known for years that gemming for straight Agility is flatly superior in almost all cases. This could have been forgiven had she been attempting to satisfy her meta requirement, but as she has failed even to obtain a helm with a meta gem socket, this is not an acceptable excuse. Finally, observe the weapon enchants: double Hurricane is an option only if you lack the dedication to obtain enough gold for double Landslide. With enchants/gems like this, she was probably specced into Vigor before the expansion hit – although the records proving this are conveniently no longer publicly available.

·    Mrs. Lachowicz is wearing a Darkmoon card. Research has conclusively shown that people who use Darkmoon cards have higher rates of unemployment and lower average levels of college achievement.

·     She has completed the achievement “To All the Squirrels I’ve Loved Before.” This achievement requires repeated acts of bestiality to complete, and if that were not enough for a full indictment of Mrs. Lachowicz’s moral fiber, she has also completed the follow-up achievement “To All the Squirrels Who Shared My Life,” which requires additional acts of bestiality on such animals as Mountain Skunks, Scalawag Frogs, and Borean Marmots. We can only be thankful that she has not yet moved on to “To All the Squirrels I Once Caressed”; Malayan Quillrat, you are safe – for now.

·    Her guild name, Wreck List, is super lame.

All of these findings cast serious doubt on her fitness to serve in the state government. Ask yourself: when your guild is on General Vezax, would you trust a rogue with no belt gem to land the interrupt on Searing Flames – not just the first cast, but every other cast, depending of course on your group composition and whether you were attempting the encounter on 10- or 25-man mode? Would you let your children into her raid group, knowing full well that she wears a Darkmoon card in open view of the public?

I know where I stand. Do you?

Update: Stephen Colbert comments.